If the 2025 Orange Whip draft were a Lions game, it was three quarters of Same Old Lunacy followed by a Dan Campbell kneecap-gnawing frenzy ... or in the case of the Packers game: Sheer Panic! We saw gambles, genius moves, and at least one pick that looked like it was made on a phone that still has a headphone jack. Through the Honolulu Blue haze, one truth remains as inevitable as another Lions early playoff exit: your reigning ring-collector since 1997 is still the final boss.
This year’s grades and projections come from my black-box K.A.D.E. model (Kneecap-Adjusted Draft Equity). It’s proprietary, unhinged, and—like Hutch off the edge—violent on bad picks. The model inputs are strictly on a need-to-know basis. You do not need to know.
Rich (RICH) — Barkley at cost, JT to stack volume, and Kyler’s Konami legs in Superflex. The build screams “establish the fun.”
Pat (GRIT) — Gibbs → Mahomes → Herbert. Two Teslas and a nitrous button.
David (POOP) — Bijan → CMC → Puka. Usage + usage + usage.
Shawn (KFC) — Pairing Hurts with Amon-Ra. Weekly top-2 stack energy.
Brad (JM) — Baker in Round 2. Could be art. Could be a documentary about art that went missing.
Vince (RB) — Ja’Marr → Derrick Henry → Josh Jacobs. Violent, reliable calories.
Shelly (!!!) — Jayden Daniels → Achane → A.J. Brown. Explosives with an adult alpha.
Boris (Uky) — CeeDee → Ashton Jeanty → Chase Brown. Spicy, youthful, slightly dangerous.
Geoff (NPLN) — Lamar → Malik Nabers → Nico Collins. That’ll play.
Open: Saquon Barkley → Jonathan Taylor → Kyler Murray. Barry-era highlight tape energy with a dual-threat cheat code in Superflex.
Steal: Barkley at 1.05 — throne energy. Nitpick: WR depth requires Tuesday wizardry. Fortunately, I’m the wizard.
Open: Gibbs → Mahomes → Herbert. Points printer.
Steal: Herbert in the 3rd given Superflex inflation. Nitpick: You owe yourself a sticky WR1.
Open: Bijan → CMC → Puka. Costco sample line of fantasy points.
Steal: Puka in the 3rd after two nuclear RBs. Nitpick: QB2 abyss is real; bring a headlamp.
Open: Jayden Daniels → Achane → A.J. Brown. Fireworks with an adult target hog.
Steal: A.J. in the 3rd is highway robbery. Nitpick: Year-2 volatility + Miami touches can get weird.
Open: Ja’Marr → Derrick Henry → Josh Jacobs. Built like a Ford F-150.
Steal: Jacobs at a discount. Nitpick: Superflex can’t be a prayer candle.
Open: Lamar → Malik Nabers → Nico Collins. If Nabers is WR1 out of the box and Nico repeats, people will cry.
Steal: Nico in the 3rd feels like cheating. Nitpick: RB room is IKEA; functional, but bring depth screws.
Open: Josh Allen → Justin Jefferson → Bucky Irving. Parade float, parade float, hot sauce.
Steal: Jefferson at 2.03 is silly. Reach risk: Bucky at 3 is a Rorschach test.
Open: Hurts → Amon-Ra → Chuba Hubbard. First two are immaculate; third is improv.
Steal: Sun God at 2.01 in this format. Nitpick: Round-3 Chuba is… avant-garde.
Open: CeeDee → Ashton Jeanty → Chase Brown. You leaned hard into the Rookie Thesis, and I respect the memes.
Steal: If Jeanty hits early, you win Twitter. Nitpick: Projection-heavy RBs are a cruel mistress.
Open: Joe Burrow → Baker Mayfield by pick 12. Superflex villain arc.
Steal: If the stack cooks, you’ll laugh last. Nitpick: The WR/RB opportunity cost was real.
I drafted like a guy who orders medium wings and brags about the heat. I faded WRs, trusted RB ligaments, and treated Superflex like a suggestion—but somehow stuck the landing.
But also truth: Barkley’s throne energy, JT’s volume, and Kyler’s legs are a cheat code in this scoring, and the league’s most decorated menace since the late 1900s tends to cash the last check.
Several squads drafted like grown-ass men. Jason balanced firepower and floor. Boris played the room. Vince timed tier breaks. Pat’s opening salvo was rude. David outright stole in a few pockets. And yet—because the universe is just and the record books are thick—your league historian, ring collector, and civic benefactor (me) drafted the best.
See you in January. Bring snacks.